That's how my love story ended. October 23rd, 2014. After all the heartache I have come to find, he was there. It was his eyes that caught mine. His very being was so fulfilling in the void I had carved in myself. I yearned for him for a year before we went on our first very nerve racking date.
He was everything to me. I could kiss his lips forever, and in my mind, I knew that they were the last ones I would kiss. Our bodies fit together as if they were carved for each other. I felt better around him. All this whirlwind bullshit that encompassed me was abruptly ended by the fact he felt none of those things.
My heart still aches. It hurts every single day. I'm just supposed to pick up and move on. "You either get married, or you break up, that's how it works" I've been told...I've been told to many times I'll be ok. Life goes on. Whatever dumb shit people say.
The problem lies in the fact I've waited so very long to feel that way for someone again...I didn't think I could, and when I prayed, yes folks, actually prayed, for each thing in our relationship from beginning to end, it was answered with yes. I thought possibly after all I had been through, this was my blessing....I honestly felt it, and in a snap, it was gone.
All that's left to do now, obviously, is to look inward. I have to analyze every single fiber of myself. I want to be loved. I don't like being alone. I'm not outgoing, but god damn I am fucking lonely. I used to be fine with my isolation, but when he came along, and lit me on fire, my heart was so thrilled to be connected to another.
I miss being held. I miss kisses on my forehead...jokes that we had...all gone. How does one move on from it? When you love someone so much everything including their flaws are perfect to you? I mean, he was SUPER skinny, he had a strange patch of fur above his belt line, and a very, very large nose, all of which, to me, were endearing.
Apparently my quirks weren't for him. There was nothing about me he adored. It's such a painful realization. I don't know how to move on...and it hurts. SO. FUCKING. BAD.
The last time this pain hit me, it took months for me to be willing to move on, and years for me to try again, and lots of drugs and alcohol to drown it out. I don't want that. It never stopped hurting I don't believe, which is why this one is so great, it's like reopening an old wound, freshly scarred over. The old pain turned into bitterness which I still harbor to this day even though I want so very badly to let it go.
This man was special to me, so very special my mind cannot comprehend what's actually going on, and I don't want to hate him to be able to move on. I want to just stop feeling, but I can't. I can be completely fine and then all the sudden, I start crying and I cannot control it. I feel as if my soul finally found it's mate and he was ripped away from me by the cosmos.
Now, I'm wandering around lost...trying to find solace from this pain that's filled me once again. I've finally understood the weight of this situation and his feelings toward me. It is over, and I have to move on.
As I sat on my couch after hours of us talking and me crying, and my unsightly panic attack on the floor, him sitting with his head in his hands, eyes reddened from letting me down, it - us, and our conversation came to a close. With tears streaming down my face, he stood, left my house for the last time, and as I sat shaking staring at the floor in complete disbelief of what was actually happening. He said goodbye, and took with me, the last of my heart I had to give.
Goodbye was the tragic end of what I thought would be true love, finally. Goodbye means it's a month later, and he's already forgotten me. I'm no longer emotionally connected to him, and I am just another person in the crowd.
I wish I had that switch to turn off these tears.
Goodbye meant he was finished. Goodbye meant, I wasn't done fighting.
He's gone.
Goodbye, J.
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