I know, I know, woe is me.
There's plenty of sadness and boo hoo-ness. I get it. Suck it up and read my struggles to be
thankful, because you're supposed to be....
Lately, I've found it very hard to be thankful. But it has cause me time to reflect. There are things that I am thankful for.
- I'm thankful for the people in my life that don't give up on me, the ones who like my kind of crazy, and the ones that are bystanders.
- I'm thankful for my family, who support me always, even though I'm a shithead.
- I'm thankful for my sweet dog who brightens my life.
Simple, basic, to the point (get it, bullet points?!? HA!).
Not so simple, c'mon this is me, you'd know by now it's
never that simple.
There are much deeper things, things that are a multifaceted
ball of bullshit that I am thankful for, so grab ahold of your soul before it
blackens and read away.
1. Pain.
As much as I pray for it to go away, I am thankful. It means at one point, I felt love, and if I
never feel it again, I am glad, that I felt it, if even for a moment.
2. Loss.
I'm thankful for my loss.
It saddens me, burdens me, and weighs me down. It deepens the wound and furthers the depths
of my depression, but I am
thankful. As much as I don't agree with
it, as much as I want it back, as much as I want him, he didn't. So I'm thankful, because this means happiness
for him, and when you truly love someone, you want them to be happy - even if
it means they won't be happy with you.
Typing these very words I'm holding my breath.
The nausea turns in my gut and the breath is pressing hard
in the empty cavern of my chest. Tears
streaming down my face, yet I will not make a sound. It hurts, yes - but loss means I had something.
I am thankful for one moment in time, I had something that was so beautiful, it
hurts so damn bad to lose.
3. Memories.
I'm thankful for the memories that haunt me, the ones
burdening my mind so I cannot seem to focus on the current reality I'm residing
in. How I can close my eyes and he's
there, and I can smell him again, but as static ripples across a screen, I open
them and it's just a memory. Memories, like the time he held me - our bodies
carved from the same stone fit perfectly, like the puzzle piece I had so hoped
he would be - and kissed me deeply, for the first time. I died in that kiss. I died in knowing that
was the last set I'd ever want to kiss.
Remembering his face the first time we made love, and how his soft blue
eyes looked at me.
They haunt me every single day. I try to not look him in the face when we
speak, because it floods my mind.
Everything I love about him is right in front of me, and I can't touch it. Wanting so badly for him to scoop me up like
he had so many times, in those perfect arms of his, and hold me close - kissing
my forehead. Melting every ounce of pain
or stress away.
I am grateful. How
wonderful is it to be constantly reminded of something you cannot get over?
It's a fucking burden. You want the
light in the darkness? The I'm grateful because at least I was happy once. No, not happening. I am fucking miserable...
Crying out at night, lying on the floor, being tortured by
the fact that this man you loved so much crushed what was left of your soul and
it's all you've thought of every waking moment for the last month since he
walked out of your apartment for the last time...
I'm lying. I am not thankful. I want it to stop, there's no
light in this darkness because he was the light, and he left me, alone. I just
want to feel nothing, nothing would be better than the constant nagging
depression, the bouts of crying, the countless hours I've spent picking myself
apart, wondering what I did wrong to lose him?
Was he ever really mine?
Be thankful. Be thankful for me, because I cannot. I am not optimistic to be like "I'm
alive, yey." No. I'm not
excited. I'm alone, and still hurting
and still praying that one day, someone will fucking just love me. Just put up
with the fact I want to cook and bake and sing and dance, and cry with
them. I want to have a life with
them...I just want someone to be my better half...give me a chance, and not
give up on me.
Hug your friends, your family, your husbands and wives. Hold them tight. Say you're sorry, don't
fight about money, and be fucking grateful someone is there for you. Because when you're like me, you sit alone at
night wondering why you're alone. You
wonder why your husband is in prison and not sitting with you...wondering how
you were blindsided by a complete lie he fabricated that you lived deep
within...wondering how you made it out only to be used by every single man
since.
You wonder if he thinks of you, if he's even sorry.
You wonder about J. The man you unwillingly fell for harder
than bricks falling from the sky. You
wonder what he's thinking about and it's probably deer, or his mother. I had so little room in his mind. And yet,
you wonder why you still think of him...because every single thing about him
just felt perfect...that's why.
You sit, and you dwell, and you cry.
So readers, this thanksgiving, be happy.
You ungrateful fucks.
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