There's been a lot going on in my life, most of which I've vocally complained about to my loving boyfriend. Most of which he cringes at. I see his face twist when certain things come out of my mouth. It's like word vomit. I cannot control it. Lately, however, I've realized I can. I've got to control my mouth, and my attitude, before it destroys us.
Why am I so vile? Why is my bitterness still seeping through
when right in front of me stands the man that I adore. I still have setbacks, yes. There are still
things that keep my lying awake at night, yes.
However, I know that I love this man, and that he makes me happy,
despite his flaws, and certain things about him that drive me bananas. I'm fully aware I have many flaws and ticks
that make him itch, so I suppose it's equal.
But I do not want this man to look upon me for my bad. I want him to know, understand, and accept
it, yes, but I am more than that. I am
me. I am good, and kind, and loving, and
nurturing. I have a fowl mouth,
yes. I cuss like a sailor and sometimes
I drink like one too. But that part of
me has been winding down, because my body is telling me to slow down, to fall
in love, to focus it's energy on caring for someone, and not pain suppression.
I want him to look at me, and smile, and his heart warms
because I am there. My negativity and
the fact I have no hold on letting it loose is affecting us, it stresses
him. I need to be stronger and more
positive. I need to sometimes scream in
my car instead of unload my negative thoughts and emotions on him.
Things are all up in the air. I don't know what's going on. I do know what is now. Him.
He is here, and I love it, and I want to nurture it with love and
happiness...
So what is all this stuff exactly going on in my life? Well
my boss, the VP of my company, the man who trained me and got me ready for my
career here, decided last week to tell upper management he was resigning. I was the first to find out ... because I
have been trying to transfer from engineering to HR, so that my relationship
can have less of a strain on it. (Fall in love with your supervisor, not such a
good thing)
I was elated, at first.
This meant that my BF was most likely going to take that position of
lead engineer, and then our strain would be greater, but since the only thing
holding me back from transferring was to leave in another week, it was going to
work out! It was good news! Then the
possibility that the BF could get his due raise, and respect from the
engineering department was another good thing. All these good things rushing
through me, assuring me that it was going to help me.
That's where I went wrong.
It was all geared to me. When was
I actually thinking of him? This entire
time, he's been riddled with stress, and burdened with the work of a man who
ran a company for the past twenty years and just up and left one day...dropping
everything on someone who's only known this twenty year baby (the company) for
two.
I didn't realize how stressful it was going to be. How much of a strain it's going to put on us,
because now he's the one in charge. He's the one responsible, he's the one
dealing with twenty years of back logged BS and a bunch of quick handovers
because the VP didn't have the common decency to help make a transition a
little easier and give maybe, say a month or two's notice. This very well could be a strain on us. But I need to be there for him, the kind
nurturing woman I want to be.
Then there's the other shit in my life going on. My sick selfish mind, tormenting me...Is there a future with this man? It's been weighing heavy on my mind so
much. It's burdened me, and made me feel
guilty, and ashamed for even thinking it...but I'm only human.
Yes I love him. I
adore him, really, even though some of his ways have become overly annoying
recently.
The fact he is his mother's
caregiver, and lives with her, makes me feel like we will never have a life together. In no way do I look down on what he does, as
it is commendable, and show his selflessness. The kind of man I would want. However, how can he care for me, if we can't
date normally? How is marriage even a possibility if he lives with his mom? How
can we even think of starting a family, if he can't even live his own life?
I see him stressing over the house not being picked up or
things being in a certain way - his mother's / father's way. The yard needed tending to, his projects, his
hobbies, the stuff he's accumulated to fill his empty time as he's been single
for the past 7 or 8 years. He's lost his
father, which puts so much on him, and while his brother married, moved away
and began a life of his own, and his sister moved out to have her own life, all
the responsibility has been placed upon his fragile shoulders.
His ways that are set at his tender 33 years of age, are not
even his own. He hasn't developed a
system, a household of his own, that he can enjoy. An apartment, or what have you of his own
stuff, his own ideas and decorations, and ways of doing things. He's yet to do this.
And I sometimes stress over the fact that he will never do
it. We will never have our system,
because he'll be trapped in the one set for him when he was a child. I admire him taking care of his mother. But what a tough and touchy situation. Does he take care of her for the rest of her
life, sacrificing his own? Does he begin
his own, including her in it? How does
he do that? Where does she live, who will cook for her and clean her
house and what's to be done? Does she go
to a home? No. He would never have it.
So here's where my train stops. Where do I fit in? How does our relationship
even become substantial enough for me to imagine a future and hope that man
becomes the father of my children one day? How do I dream and picture our
house, and the memories we make, when we've yet to be able to make them now?
He's in my life - but I'm not in his, much. His life consists of so much more other than
me, and I'm afraid, it will always be so, and I'm afraid, maybe, that it just
will not happen for us.
I want to believe that it just will be ok and we'll move in
together and cook together, and DO together...Establish
dinner nights, taco Tuesday, big Sunday dinners, sometimes a brunch...a
specific date night...movies on the couch, a life together - normalcy.
I know that's so far from what will happen any time, that it's starting
to whittle me down.
I've been left to believe that after my husband destroyed
me, and my life, that it wasn't meant to be, and that one day, I would meet a
man who I could have that life with.
Here I am facing 30, and I feel like my window is closing....and I don't
know why I can't just stop and be happy for today...for last night when he laid
his head on my lap and I played Skyrim and then we went to bed, and woke up and
got ready for work together.
The now. The little
moments I DO have with him. It makes me
feel like a horrible person for thinking about these things...but I can't control it.
I just signed another year lease at my apartment...it was a big deal for me. I was actually leery on signing another year lease at my
place, because "what if" we were to move in together? Silly of me to
even get up in arms over it...I actually stressed. I laughed later, signed the lease, and
realized I would be there, with my puppy living MY life, for a very long
time. "Ours" has yet to
become...it has yet to start.
Selfishness, is a dirty thing. I want to scrub til my skin is raw.
I love him. He's
worth it. Be grateful. Just repeat it...and breathe. Someday, I will have the love I want.
Someday....even if only in my dreams, I will have it.
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| I'm just tired of carrying this burden alone.I have to believe. |
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