I've suffered some pretty gut wrenching pain when it comes to my love life. I lost a husband I never really had, had a slew of bad relationships, topped off with men who only used me because I was vulnerable and needed to feel something other than the unbearable pain inside that was consuming me.
It did consume me. It turned me into something I wasn't or couldn't ever dream of becoming. A vile needy, saddened broken being who just needed to be hugged, or listened to, or kissed. It brought with it poison and poisonous people, self destruction, and countless hours of crying and many, many drinks consumed in a vapid attempt to dilute the pain, for I knew by this point I couldn't wash it away.
I finally began to accept my loneliness and tried to focus on myself, and healing. I tried to be happy with me, and being alone and spending my time on myself and projects that I had created for myself. I began to try to be happy. It did not, change the fact however, that I was still alone, and still craving human connection on a deeper level than facebook, or friendship or even the closeness of sex could offer.
Then there was him. This guy I had admired, and looked at forever, wondering what it would be like to be near him, just to talk about life, and look at the stars, and hold hands with him...what it would be like to be loved by someone, anyone, had been my curiosity, but he sparked my interest, most of all. His overall put-togetherness was something very appealing, he was very attractive, and his arms, they just seemed so loving, like the kind I could find solace in....I know call me a dreamer, me finding solace in a man's arms.
Then it happened, by chance, by fate, by God - I thought...we went on a date.
A mutual friend person of ours finally hooked us up. Since our first date, it seemed as though we were inseparable. He was always anxious to see me, and his eyes lit up. He treated me like I was something, like I was worth something and then I finally began to realize, I was, and it wasn't me, it was all these people I let influence my reflection of myself that made me feel I wasn't.
The day he told me he loved me came as quite a surprise. He had hinted toward getting feelings for me, but this was a full out confession. His feelings came strong and fast and I was overwhelmed. It was real, it felt real. Was it happening? Was I finally being loved for the first time by a man? I cried in his arms at the news, and told him not to say that to me, because so many others had before, and they didn't mean it.
I kept those words. I let them run through my heart and fill my body with joy -overwhelming joy that this man who I could just let go and be myself with, loved me. It was unbelievable. So I dove in, I let go, and I let myself my fragile, eager, damaged and fearful self, fall in love.
We had a wonderful budding romance, it seemed to be moving perfectly along, slowly we became intimate, sweetly we grew. Nothing felt forced or wrong, it was all such a blessing to me. Being in his arms alone brought such warmth and comfort to me.
Then it happened, as all things do in life, it changed. Something in him changed, and caused him to withdraw, to step back, to take those words back from me, like I didn't deserve them. His reasons were his own, I tried to make sense of it all, being it was all such a shock to me, yet here I was crying in my SUV with him next to me, staring, blankly, giving no explanation as to why he couldn't muster up the love he once had for me again, and how did it go so quickly?
I wanted too much. I expected too much. I felt too much. IT was all too much. What an excuse.
I want to be sure, is all he could say. And suddenly all my comfort and warmth was gone, and it's left me with this hole. It's filled me with doubt and self loathing. He still wants to do stuff with me, he wants a relationship with me but he's just not sure about those feelings he seemingly so happily once gave.
I'm trying for the sake of us, and what I dreamed we could be to push it down, and away from my mind. But it's clogging me, it's draining the hope from my body. It's that little fear inside screaming "You'll never be good enough, no one will ever love you, happiness isn't deserved to you!"
It's always been there. Now it's taking over and for everything I want I can't stop it. Why, why did he take my happiness? Why steal the sunshine from my skies? Why am I not good enough? I can't be the girl that sweeps someone off their feet? There is nothing enamoring about me?
It's painful, yes. But he's still here, wanting a relationship. And I'm here still trying to fake a smile and pretend that I'm not mortally wounded, but I am. I'm lost in a big ball of confusion and I feel hurt. I don't know what else to feel, but my heart still aches, and I feel like my trust for him was in vain. My mind is producing vivid dreams wrapped in fear and waking me in my sleep, it's all just become so painful and misleading - nothing like what it started....effortless and true, and loving. Where everything just felt magical, and right.
Fucking Disney. I suppose there never is magic.
Still, I love his eyes, those that once looked so calmly at me with a sweetness to them. I just want to look into them. His lips I knew were the only lips I wanted to ever kiss again. But me, he had to take a step back. Because he wanted to be sure. Because nothing about me screamed to him, yep. She's worth it. And God damn it, I want to fucking be worth it already. It hurts to be alone.
And that is what kills me. After all I've been through and all I've prayed for, I still can't find someone to just love me, and be like, yep, it's her, and she's all I need. The fact he has to stop and think, reminds me, I'm not special. And only reinforces those negative fears and feelings I have.
And here I sit, crying, scared, and love unrequited.
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