Men are not my favorite of creatures. I haven't had the best of luck in dealing
with them. Maybe I'm not sure how, maybe
I am flawed, either way, the male species and I, do not get along. I've found it hard to find a man who can
appreciate me (or put up with me I suppose). My past relationship ended badly,
and I had a prospective one that never even took off.
I have polled, and trolled, and wondered, what my problem
is, and I always get the same answer; "I don't know, I think you're amazing." So if I'm so
amazing is it them?
I once had a small romance with a beautiful man. He was tan, muscular, cold blue eyes (like
his soul, apparently), and had the cutest crooked smile. We had a quick, amazing time together. The sex was fantastic, the conversation was
great, and the friendship was awesome.
We hung out almost every single day together until one day, he just
decided to walk completely out of my life - forever. I spent months questioning what I had done
wrong. We had future plans, he always
spoke of "us" and "we", so what happened? I never got
closure, and it still haunts me.
He's since moved on to a much younger, less attractive girl,
who is pregnant with another man's child.
Heartbroken, frustrated, and a little pissed off, I decided to take my sorrows back to my
ex-boyfriend. I justified it! He was always pretty sexy,
kind of stupid, but very cute. He promised me the world, which I knew was out of his reach, but damn it, that's fucking cute! He was going to fix
everything, he was going to make it right and love the ever loving shit out of
me. So, hells yeah! A man that wanted me, craved me, and had something to prove...well saddle up this pony!
He did, I suppose in his own way,
treat me better. He took me shopping and
gave me loads of attention and tried his best to please me in the bedroom -
took pointers, focused on me.. it was fantastic. Until one day he decided to start drinking
again, got belligerent and started to fight with me.
It ended with a restraining order after he mindlessly hit me
in my face throwing me into a wall resulting in two broken rips.
Come to find out, the entire time we were back together, he
was still talking to other girls, and professing his undying love for a single
mom with two kids who wasn't that attractive at all. I'm seeing a pattern here.
He and I had a mutual friend, whom I confided in, and sought
out for comfort - mainly in the form of intense amounts of alcohol and
cartoons. Turns out, he and I had a lot in common. We became the best of friends, and went
everywhere together. Eventually, the
friendship progressed, and what have you, we thought we liked each other! Then we slept together, thankfully it was
awful, so I have not much to miss there...but I got possessive, and attached,
and wanted more...which he claimed to want to.
He has since moved to another state, stopped talking to me
and found an oily faced girl with massive un-groomed eyebrows and wonky
features to call his own. This happened
two days after he said he missed me and for me to stop ignoring him (which I
did after I saw posts on FB about him on a date with a new and less attractive
girl).
HOLY SHIT!
There is where my superficiality kicks in. They were all less attractive, in my
mind. I never pranced about claiming to
be a pageant queen, or a sex symbol, or the most beautiful woman around
town. Heavens knows I am self aware but I am also flawed,
and not perfect. I never outwardly
admitted I thought these girls were ugly, it's just in my mind, maybe because
of wounds?
I've tried, honestly to see their appeal, I have. I usually have no problem admitting if a woman is more attractive than I, because I'll proceed to pout about it and get offended like their face meant to harm me with it's perfection.
Generally, I was always happy with each man. I never demanded much, just sex and normal attention, maybe abnormal cuddling...I gave freely of
myself, and my time, and I cooked, because hot damn I can cook! They loved my
cooking, they loved my body, they told me I was pretty. I was the "coolest chick" because I
was one of the guys, I was fun to be around, their friends liked me - so on and
so forth. SO what the fuck?!
I have angst. Pent up
rage if you will toward men. The ones
who adore me, are married, or hiding. I am no home wrecker, and I actually find it kind of
offensive they talk to me like they do, because I know what it's like to have
your man look the other direction, and I don't want to be that girl. I want a normal dude to chill with me, listen
to my rants, who lets me go without makeup, play video games with me, and let me cook for him...I'm not sure
why that's so hard to find.
I have a theory.
But it's wrong, as most of my theories are, hell...I'm no
science major, so I won't even get in to it.
As for now, I'm done looking, it hurts too much and I'd much
rather sit on my pedestal and think about how amazing I am and complain that no
one wants me...for now it's me time....more makeup, less emotions, and
cartoons. Lots of cartoons.
Maybe some junk food.
We'll see. My heart is dead, and until that man comes along
and revives it...it's going to be a rigid little corpsicle inside my chest...rotting,
and fading away.
I still like puppies
though, puppies are flippin' awesome!
The boyfriend pillow, I have found my solution! I can see the advert now:
"Are you forever alone? Is there something so wrong with you that no normal, attractive man will be willing to hold you at night? Do you often cry yourself to sleep? Well, have I got a deal for you (and a shoulder for all your forever alone tears)!"
Quick! Someone pass the alcohol before I start having feelings again.
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