A new lease on my selfishness....

There's been a lot going on in my life, most of which I've vocally complained about to my loving boyfriend.  Most of which he cringes at.  I see his face twist when certain things come out of my mouth.  It's like word vomit.  I cannot control it.  Lately, however, I've realized I can.  I've got to control my mouth, and my attitude, before it destroys us.

Why am I so vile? Why is my bitterness still seeping through when right in front of me stands the man that I adore.  I still have setbacks, yes. There are still things that keep my lying awake at night, yes.  However, I know that I love this man, and that he makes me happy, despite his flaws, and certain things about him that drive me bananas.  I'm fully aware I have many flaws and ticks that make him itch, so I suppose it's equal.

But I do not want this man to look upon me for my bad.  I want him to know, understand, and accept it, yes, but I am more than that.  I am me.  I am good, and kind, and loving, and nurturing.  I have a fowl mouth, yes.  I cuss like a sailor and sometimes I drink like one too.  But that part of me has been winding down, because my body is telling me to slow down, to fall in love, to focus it's energy on caring for someone, and not pain suppression.

I want him to look at me, and smile, and his heart warms because I am there.  My negativity and the fact I have no hold on letting it loose is affecting us, it stresses him.  I need to be stronger and more positive.  I need to sometimes scream in my car instead of unload my negative thoughts and emotions on him.

Things are all up in the air.  I don't know what's going on.  I do know what is now.  Him.  He is here, and I love it, and I want to nurture it with love and happiness...

So what is all this stuff exactly going on in my life? Well my boss, the VP of my company, the man who trained me and got me ready for my career here, decided last week to tell upper management he was resigning.  I was the first to find out ... because I have been trying to transfer from engineering to HR, so that my relationship can have less of a strain on it. (Fall in love with your supervisor, not such a good thing)

I was elated, at first.  This meant that my BF was most likely going to take that position of lead engineer, and then our strain would be greater, but since the only thing holding me back from transferring was to leave in another week, it was going to work out!  It was good news! Then the possibility that the BF could get his due raise, and respect from the engineering department was another good thing. All these good things rushing through me, assuring me that it was going to help me. 

That's where I went wrong.  It was all geared to me.  When was I actually thinking of him?  This entire time, he's been riddled with stress, and burdened with the work of a man who ran a company for the past twenty years and just up and left one day...dropping everything on someone who's only known this twenty year baby (the company) for two.

I didn't realize how stressful it was going to be.  How much of a strain it's going to put on us, because now he's the one in charge. He's the one responsible, he's the one dealing with twenty years of back logged BS and a bunch of quick handovers because the VP didn't have the common decency to help make a transition a little easier and give maybe, say a month or two's notice. This very well could be a strain on us.  But I need to be there for him, the kind nurturing woman I want to be.

Then there's the other shit in my life going on.  My sick selfish mind, tormenting me...Is there a future with this man?  It's been weighing heavy on my mind so much.  It's burdened me, and made me feel guilty, and ashamed for even thinking it...but I'm only human. 

Yes I love him.  I adore him, really, even though some of his ways have become overly annoying recently.  

The fact he is his mother's caregiver, and lives with her, makes me feel like we will never have a life together.  In no way do I look down on what he does, as it is commendable, and show his selflessness. The kind of man I would want.  However, how can he care for me, if we can't date normally? How is marriage even a possibility if he lives with his mom? How can we even think of starting a family, if he can't even live his own life?

I see him stressing over the house not being picked up or things being in a certain way - his mother's / father's way.  The yard needed tending to, his projects, his hobbies, the stuff he's accumulated to fill his empty time as he's been single for the past 7 or 8 years.  He's lost his father, which puts so much on him, and while his brother married, moved away and began a life of his own, and his sister moved out to have her own life, all the responsibility has been placed upon his fragile shoulders.

His ways that are set at his tender 33 years of age, are not even his own.  He hasn't developed a system, a household of his own, that he can enjoy.  An apartment, or what have you of his own stuff, his own ideas and decorations, and ways of doing things.  He's yet to do this.

And I sometimes stress over the fact that he will never do it.  We will never have our system, because he'll be trapped in the one set for him when he was a child.  I admire him taking care of his mother.  But what a tough and touchy situation.  Does he take care of her for the rest of her life, sacrificing his own?  Does he begin his own, including her in it? How does  he do that? Where does she live, who will cook for her and clean her house and what's to be done?  Does she go to a home? No.  He would never have it.

So here's where my train stops.  Where do I fit in? How does our relationship even become substantial enough for me to imagine a future and hope that man becomes the father of my children one day? How do I dream and picture our house, and the memories we make, when we've yet to be able to make them now?

He's in my life - but I'm not in his, much.  His life consists of so much more other than me, and I'm afraid, it will always be so, and I'm afraid, maybe, that it just will not happen for us.

I want to believe that it just will be ok and we'll move in together and cook together, and DO together...Establish dinner nights, taco Tuesday, big Sunday dinners, sometimes a brunch...a specific date night...movies on the couch, a life together  - normalcy.  I know that's so far from what will happen any time, that it's starting to whittle me down.

I've been left to believe that after my husband destroyed me, and my life, that it wasn't meant to be, and that one day, I would meet a man who I could have that life with.  Here I am facing 30, and I feel like my window is closing....and I don't know why I can't just stop and be happy for today...for last night when he laid his head on my lap and I played Skyrim and then we went to bed, and woke up and got ready for work together. 

The now.  The little moments I DO have with him.  It makes me feel like a horrible person for thinking about  these things...but I can't control it.

I just signed another year lease at my apartment...it was a big deal for me.  I was actually leery on signing another year lease at my place, because "what if" we were to move in together? Silly of me to even get up in arms over it...I actually stressed.  I laughed later, signed the lease, and realized I would be there, with my puppy living MY life, for a very long time.  "Ours" has yet to become...it has yet to start.

Selfishness, is a dirty thing.  I want to scrub til my skin is raw.

I love him.  He's worth it. Be grateful. Just repeat it...and breathe.  Someday, I will have the love I want. Someday....even if only in my dreams, I will have it.

I'm just tired of carrying this burden alone.I have to believe.  

And this kids, is why you don't fall in love....

I've suffered some pretty gut wrenching pain when it comes to my love life.  I lost a husband I never really had, had a slew of bad relationships, topped off with men who only used me because I was vulnerable and needed to feel something other than the unbearable pain inside that was consuming me.

It did consume me.  It turned me into something I wasn't or couldn't ever dream of becoming.  A vile needy, saddened broken being who just needed to be hugged, or listened to, or kissed.  It brought with it poison and poisonous people, self destruction, and countless hours of crying and many, many drinks consumed in a vapid attempt to dilute the pain, for I knew by this point I couldn't wash it away.

I finally began to accept my loneliness and tried to focus on myself, and healing.  I tried to be happy with me, and being alone and spending my time on myself and projects that I had created for myself.  I began to try to be happy.  It did not, change the fact however, that I was still alone, and still craving human connection on a deeper level than facebook, or friendship or even the closeness of sex could offer.

Then there was him.  This guy I had admired, and looked at forever, wondering what it would be like to be near him, just to talk about life, and look at the stars, and hold hands with him...what it would be like to be loved by someone, anyone, had been my curiosity, but he sparked my interest, most of all.  His overall put-togetherness was something very appealing, he was very attractive, and his arms, they just seemed so loving, like the kind I could find solace in....I know call me a dreamer, me finding solace in a man's arms.

Then it happened, by chance, by fate, by God - I thought...we went on a date.

A mutual friend person of ours finally hooked us up.  Since our first date, it seemed as though we were inseparable.  He was always anxious to see me, and his eyes lit up.  He treated me like I was something, like I was worth something and then I finally began to realize, I was, and it wasn't me, it was all these people I let influence my reflection of myself that made me feel I wasn't.

The day he told me he loved me came as quite a surprise.  He had hinted toward getting feelings for me, but this was a full out confession.  His feelings came strong and fast and I was overwhelmed.  It was real, it felt real.  Was it happening? Was I finally being loved for the first time by a man?  I cried in his arms at the news, and told him not to say that to me, because so many others had before, and they didn't mean it. 

I kept those words.  I let them run through my heart and fill my body with joy -overwhelming joy that this man who I could just let go and be myself with, loved me.  It was unbelievable.  So I dove in, I let  go, and I let myself my fragile, eager, damaged and fearful self, fall in love.

We had a wonderful budding romance, it seemed to be moving perfectly along, slowly we became intimate, sweetly we grew.  Nothing felt forced or wrong, it was all such a blessing to me.  Being in his arms alone brought such warmth and comfort to me.

Then it happened, as all things do in life, it changed.  Something in him changed, and caused him to withdraw, to step back, to take those words back from me, like I didn't deserve them.  His reasons were his own, I tried to make sense of it all, being it was all such a shock to me, yet here I was crying in my SUV with him next to me, staring, blankly, giving no explanation as to why he couldn't muster up the love he once had for me again, and how did it go so quickly?

I wanted too much.  I expected too much.  I felt too much.  IT was all too much. What an excuse.

I want to be sure, is all he could say.  And suddenly all my comfort and warmth was gone, and it's left me with this hole.  It's filled me with doubt and self loathing.  He still wants to do stuff with me, he wants a relationship with me but he's just not sure about those feelings he seemingly so happily once gave.

I'm trying for the sake of us, and what I dreamed we could be to push it down, and away from my mind.  But it's clogging me, it's draining the hope from my body.  It's that little fear inside screaming "You'll never be good enough, no one will ever love you, happiness isn't deserved to you!"

It's always been there.  Now it's taking over and for everything I want I can't stop it.  Why, why did he take my happiness? Why steal the sunshine from my skies?  Why am I not good enough?  I can't be the girl that sweeps someone off their feet? There is nothing enamoring about me?

It's painful, yes.  But he's still here, wanting a relationship.  And I'm here still trying to fake a smile and pretend that I'm not mortally wounded, but I am.  I'm lost in a big ball of confusion and I feel hurt.  I don't know what else to feel, but my heart still aches, and I feel like my trust for him was in vain.  My mind is producing vivid dreams wrapped in fear and waking me in my sleep, it's all just become so painful and misleading - nothing like what it started....effortless and true, and loving.  Where everything just felt magical, and right.

Fucking Disney.  I suppose there never is magic.

Still, I love his eyes, those that once looked so calmly at me with a sweetness to them.  I just want to look into them.  His lips I knew were the only lips I wanted to ever kiss again. But me, he had to take a step back.  Because he wanted to be sure.  Because nothing about me screamed to him, yep.  She's worth it. And God damn it, I want to fucking be worth it already. It hurts to be alone.

And that is what kills me.  After all I've been through and all I've prayed for, I still can't find someone to just love me, and be like, yep, it's her, and she's all I need. The fact he has to stop and think, reminds me, I'm not special. And only reinforces those negative fears and feelings I have.

And here  I sit, crying, scared, and love unrequited.