Pt. 1 - Indulgence
Mid morning at my office, I'm sipping coffee. Distracted,
I try to focus. But the lingering sensation of what has come to pass
still tingles within me. I can still smell him on my skin. I can taste
his flesh still with each exhale.
Turning to walk, the air fills my nostrils with his scent, and
the reminder of what we did in the dark, early hours of the morning...
I'm filled with regret and hatred again, for allowing him to do
this, but how can I not? How can I turn down the most amazing thing I've
ever felt? Because I'm a good person? Because I have morals? NO, I cannot, for
I am weak and frail and he is strong and tan and his smell, it's
intoxicating...
I can't get his scent off of me.
It's as if they know, anyone, everyone, what was done this
morning...all I can do is think of her, and why he's sneaking back to me a year
later....for "fun". She's not fun? Does she not fulfill you?
Apparently not, that was found out previously amid early morning
haze and opening my eyes to see a picture of her on the nightstand and myself;
naked, sprawled on him....
Guilt has not overwhelmed me yet, for I still smell him, and I
can almost feel him again. My hatred for him cannot distract from the
flashbacks of a few hours ago, the explosions of pleasure between my thighs,
and his eyes, reddened with a night of drinking, icy blue like my heart,
looking back up at me..
The guilt I fear will not come. There is no better lover
than him.
Oh what have I done?
“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”
― Federico García Lorca, Blood Wedding and Yerma
Pt. 2 - Regret
Later, I look into the eyes of the one who is unattainable. The one I pine after day after day like a school girl. Wanting to cook dinner with him, and watch movies, have grown up conversations and eat dinner with our grown up friends....oh what a silly thought, to have something substantial. Thinking to myself, you dirty little slut, why would he ever want you? The one who I would want to love, the model man to love me in return. I have filled that void in my soul of wanting a good man to love - knowing full and damn well I cannot have - him by filling the void between my legs and covering up the fact I want love.
Then I ponder a quick love or sex thought. If it were to
boil down to me settling for one or the other, I'd choose sex, good sex..
Reasoning for this is beyond me, albeit my own. I've become
accustomed to loneliness. I almost revel in it. I enjoy a quick
romp in my princess pink room, rolling around in my flowered sheets with the
boy of the moment. It's become too easy...it's become to easy to be
disconnected from any form of human emotion and delve deeper into the
animalistic need for pleasure.
The worst part of it all, is I don't feel any remorse for my
actions. I'm just setting up my own catastrophe, but what a sexy,
tingling, toe curling catastrophe it is. It's hindering me from attaining
the only thing I believe I cannot get...
A vicious cycle I suppose I would stop if someone where to step
up to the large plate that is loving me.
These thoughts rest not on my weary mind today....today, it's
early morning guilt free pleasure from the one man that can ignite flames from
within, and feeling myself fall limp.... Today it's his smell lingering on
me...
Today, I wear him like the scarf around my neck.
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