thoughts on overcoming my sadness....

"Don't just live your life, build one."

This was said by Ashton Kutcher at the Teen Choice Awards this year.  Now as I don't watch said awards, and it's been quite a while since I have, I did, however, come across this on the internet, on a forever a child type website, ironically.  

It stuck out to me, and I really liked the quote and the meaning behind it. I was semi proud of Ashton for making said quote as well, seeing as we all view him as some suedo stoner/dumbass.  The "Jobs" biopic must have really got to him.  Either way, I started to reflect inwardly and decided it was time to get my hammer and nails.

Three years ago, is when my life came tumbling down on me.  Fresh Prince of Bel-Air style, got flipped turned upside down. (I know you just sang that in your head, I did as I wrote it.)  It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life, and has been an unintentional crutch for me as well.  While most things were directly related to that, I always seemed to fall back on it, not even for the negatives going on in my life, but the lack of positive things, and that's where it got me.

I blamed my failed relationships on it, my inability to succeed, my lack of friends, bad days, etc.  You see, I cannot trust myself to find another man, I'm too afraid.  If I didn't see such an awful thing right in front of my face, how will it be better next time?  I've started believing that I didn't deserve love, or happiness.  Mind you, I've been very emotionally traumatized, and have had a series of unfortunate events that preceeded my husband's going to prison, it was still no excuse to NOT fight for it.

The bitter pill I swallowed those three years ago has left an awful taste in my mouth, and I radiated pain and hatred with every spoken word.  It wasn't until my stepmother confronted me and my dad chimed in about my needing divorce recovery that it finally hit me.  I need to move the fuck on!

I didn't and still don't agree with their thoughts on it, I know it won't help, because I know myself and my thoughts.  I will sit there pissed because people can't get over being cheated on, or abused.  Hell my ex boyfriend smacked me around, and it was my first relationship I tried after my husband. It wouldn't help because my problem would always be worse in my mind, and no comfort could come from any of their advice.

I had to find solace in my own damn actions.  No man will bring it to me, and I don't expect them to.  Step one in my recovery, check.

I'm ready.  It's been a long shitty road, and I've made some of the worst decisions in my life following this sick turn of events.  I am going to fight for my happiness, because dammit, I do want it, and I do deserve it.  I'm building the life I want.  I'm doing it my way, and I'm going to love every tear stained, laugh filled, passionate moment that comes my way.  I refuse to let him and his lack of human decency dictate my future and/or emotions any longer. He's dead to me, and I'm letting that pain die with it.

I'm making a new journey, and the only bags to check are my clothes and my sweet, sweet Bella Magoo (my furchild).  It's already begun.  I've got a new, adorable apartment to start, and I am going to build it into my little sanctuary...I'm going to dance, I'm going to drink, and eat and love.  No looking back.

Here's to the life I'm going to build, the people I'm going to meet, and the goals I'm going to accomplish.  I refuse to sit back and let all the fun and joy pass me by while I weep silently in the corner.

It was a hard lesson, but I've finally learned it....

No one wants to hang with that girl, hell I don't want to hang with her.  I'm learning, and I'm finally evolving past the bitter, sad woman I had become, and that's the best thing I could have asked for.