It's Back

"The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears..."

What I've held to be mind numbing, has haunted me over these past few years.  It's a feeling like no other, something so awful, words seem inadequate when trying to put it together.  I've buried it deep within myself and locked it away, hidden it behind a facade; behind eyes that have lost their luster, behind a smile that's lost its meaning.  It's buried in the deepest depths of my soul, and hidden behind the person I've managed to fake becoming.

I remember it, so painfully overwhelming that it knocked me over.  I fell to the ground unable to stand and face my new fate, and the enormous feelings it was bringing along with it.  The world around me crumbled as I quickly withdrew from the reality surrounding me.  I laid there, crying for the world to see, not caring, not understanding, just breaking, rapidly.  I broke into a million pieces, and it was there, right then I lost my grip on everything I believed in and held true.

From then on a whirlwind of emotions ensued.  Over the next year, I would eventually grow to feel nothing.  It was the nothing I welcomed, the nothing I wanted.  I didn't want to feel or allow myself to feel that which I could not comprehend.  I allowed myself to be consumed with the nothing, like a warm liquid covering my body, drowning me and eventually snuffing out the very source of who I was.  I had become the nothing.

I've lived in my comfortable nothing for a good three years.  Dead to my memories, to myself, to anything remotely painful, or joyous - anything that could hurt me again. I continued by living life on auto pilot, and I was ok with that.  Up until this past weekend - where everything would come crashing down upon me, all over again.

It comes with a smell, or a sound.  Memories flash flood your brain whether you want them to or not, no matter how you've suppressed them, they will haunt you again.  For me it was a song that caused this mental rape of my carefully constructed reality. Half way through this particular song, I had managed to transport back to that broken little girl lying on the concrete, three years ago.  I was there right back in the horrific thing I've focused so hard on killing with my all consuming nothing.

It was everything - the loss of my husband, it was the memories of what I thought we had.  The six years I wasted on a man who never loved me. The feeling of being thrown away by someone who didn't want you.  The fact that you were a decoy in his sadistic adventure, it was all real, all happening - all at once all over again.  I was right back in that pit of despair looking up, waiting to be pulled out by someone who would never show up.

I drove while trying to fight back the flooding of my eyes, my emotions, and trying to urge those thoughts back, trying to push that pain back into its cavern.  But it had erupted from deep within me like  a sea monster exploding from the ocean; tearing the ocean in two and taking it's unsuspecting ships with it back down to the murky depths of the waters.

It came back again today.  It's trying to escape, and I cannot let it.  I've grown to love my nothingness.  I fear that if it escapes again, it will take me over, and not let me go.  It was an all encompassing pain that destroyed my mind, and my spirit.  So strong a pain that nothing I did - no drug, no drink, no amount of sex, or attention could dampen the echoes that it caused.

Still it echoes. It's pain, in the simplest of expressions.  It's very real, and very much still alive. It's the reminder of the horrific reality I had to wake up to those three years ago.

 "My husband is a rapist, he's going to prison, I'm going to lose him, and my life will never be the same."

And it hasn't.

Self imposed censorship

I picture it something like this...

...And now, more from my book, "How to behave like a lady: Lessons in Submission to the Male Counterpart". 

Ch. 3 Stroking a man's ego 

There is, believe it or not, a wrong way to make a man feel superior.  I will tell you the proper ways to stroke his beloved ego, as well as ways for you to cope with the effects. 

Lesson one: He is right - always. 

The male is always right.  Make sure to let him know that you know, and understand that he is right.  Smile and nod accordingly, look lovingly, and intriguingly into his eyes with utter fascination as he talks.  Then always say, "You're right,."  Make sure to repeat his name back to him, it affirms that you are in understanding of who the boss is in this situation, and that he is most definitely, right.

After you've done so, make sure to pat yourself on the back and enjoy a candy or a xanax, something soothing to help you deal with the fact that you're faking yet another thing to boost the fragile, male ego.

Note: When entered into an argument that you know you just cannot win (this will never happen if you follow the book, women DO NOT argue with the male, there is no need - he is right, always!), just end it abruptly with "You're right." Follow it with an example of something he may have mentioned or hinted to. "You're right, insert male's name here, I am a bat-shit crazy bitch." Make sure to say it with force so he knows he won.

This reminds me of something John Gregory wrote A Father’s Legacy to his Daughters in 1821.

See an excerpt below:

“Be even cautious in displaying your good sense. It will be thought you assume superiority over the rest of the company. But if you happen to have any learning, keep it a profound secret, especially from the men, who generally look with a jealous and malignant eye on a woman of great parts and a cultivated understanding.”  

 (Read the article.  It is, quite awesome in helping you understand how to be awesome, as awesome as something without a  penis can possibly be!)

Don't think, ladies.  Don't be smart, educated, informed or opinionated, I mean, be those things, but don't let them  know you are.  Also don't be sexy, strong or anything, just be a naive, sickly virgin, because that's where it's at. Oh, and cook, or something.

I witnessed a slight crack in the male ego today, and then watched it get glued back together, two separate egos and instances, but still....

I proved my point, and his ignorance, and then it happened, the crack.  His face whitened and sank slightly, he quickly ignored the instance and moved onto other, more pressing matters that needed attention.

Jump to the glue.  I was in an argument with a man whom I've been trying to move on from.  I told him to leave me alone, basically, and that I was done hanging on to nothing.  After him going on and on about how I was "attacking" him, and then threatening me with his disappearance, (it was a serious threat, apparently, in my ladylike state, I would just wither away and die should this happen, he was sure of it.) I sarcastically said, "You're right insert jerk's name here". He then said "I know." Boom, glue.  Although I wasn't being sincere, he thought so, and it's all he needed.

You see, we can never be right, even when we are, still in 2013.  So to save my breath I just agree to disagree.  Plus, I could just care less at this point and really just want it all to be said and done!  I've also accepted the fact I will be forever alone.**

 **See forever alone/boyfriend pillow/ previous post, below:

Well back to work. Until next time....